Self Love, Texting and Insecurity

What does it mean when someone doesn't write back to our messages or return our calls?...

Nothing... it means absolutely nothing. Except for the story we attach to it. 

When I was younger, there were times when a guy I was dating (or even interested in) didn't write back to me, and I would get so upset. I would think things like "How long does it take to send me a short message?" "What won't he call me back!?!?!", "He obviously doesn't care about me!". 

But the problem wasn't about whether the dude cared for me, it was about me not caring for myself. I would often neglect my own passions and plans to accomodate someone I was interested in. So sometimes I was literally waiting around for them to respond!

Hiding under my upset was the insecurity that I wasn't loveable. I had a fear of rejection that manifested itself in getting upset when my love (or simply a message) wasn't returned in the way that I hoped for.

But as I went to work on loving myself, I saw the tables turn more and more. I was focussed on my passions and I started being the one who wasn't writing back. I was able to see clearly that it's not personal. And over the years as I've become more and more comfortable in my own skin and happy with my own company, I've gotten to the point where I'm pretty consistently inconsistent with my communication.

I Take Photos With My Phone, but rarely Talk on it!

In this social media and tech age, the pressure to communicate with several friends and family across so
many platforms is responsible for so much anxiety. For me, it's healthy to be inconsistent, to put my well-before worrying about offending someone.

Some people say that it's abusive not to write back to a message. The only time this is the case is if someone's intention for not responding is to punish someone. But the majority of the time, there are reasonable explanations. It can actually be abusive to expect someone to reply to our messages and conform to our expectations for communication. 

If we need a response by a certain deadline, we can lovingly communicate this. 

Clear, loving communication with no expectation is the healthiest form of communication!

There are millions of reasons why I don’t write back to messages or I'm slow to respond, and none of them are personal. Here are just a few:

1) I'm busy.

2) I got so excited when I saw your message, but wasn’t able to write back at the time and now other messages I have filled my inbox and yours is no longer visible and I’m busy and forgot or the new message distract me every time I intend to write back to you!
I genuinely thought I had written back.

3) I had started writing back and got distracted, I’m now either busy and forgot to finish it or I genuinely thought I had sent it, so in my mind I’ve already written back to you

4) My battery died as I was reading your message!

5) I’m feeling anxious and being on social media, or my phone, makes me feel more anxious.

6) I’ve been at my computer all day and the last thing I want to do is be on my device again.

7) I keep meaning to write back to you, but every time I think of it I’m in a situation where I can’t.

8) Your message triggered my ego and I don’t want to communicate with you on that level because I love you, so I'll write back later - after I've meditated haha

9) Your message felt fear based and I don’t want to communicate with you on that level because I love you. I may not write back to that message, but I'll write to you on something else another time.

10) We mutually drifted apart. If it doesn’t feel mutual on your end, sorry!

11) I’m busy.

12) I’m taking a break from social media and my phone. 

13) I don't have notifications turned on my phone and I don't spend much time on social media or my phone.

14) I don’t answer my phone very often and I rarely speak to people over the phone. 

15) I spend most of my time spare time meditating, dancing, reading, running, going to the beach, playing games, and having lots of fun! I try to stay present in these activities and stay away from my phone.

16) I love you, but I love me more.

So next time someone doesn't respond to your message, just remember that it's not about you. Don't take it personally. Have a look at why you might be upset about it. And love those parts of yourself that are feeling unloved or insecure. You are loveable, and you are worthy of connection, but first we have to give that love to ourselves.


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