Love Sells!

Over the last year there’s been a lot of talk about sexual misconduct (I use that as a broad term to cover everything).  On a personal level this could not be better timing. I’m relieved that it’s no longer tolerated and is finally being brought into the light. That’s the only way we can change it.

But we need to make sure we continue to focus on the solution more than the problem... It's important to release anger - even rage (in a safe environment), but shaming and attacking attackers just creates more of what we’re fighting against.

As Albert Einstein said: “We can’t solve the problem in the same mind that created the problem.”

Yes speaking our truth and people being accountable is a big part of it, but how do we stop it from happening in the first place?  This is a time of opportunity… for change.  

It’s an opportunity for deep forgiveness, for learning how to harness and be responsible for our own sexuality. I believe these things are happening because of fear, because of lack of awareness and education, because of unhealed trauma, not because some people are inherently “bad”.

This is a time that can be healing for women and men, a time for us to come together.  Perpetrators have the opportunity to release guilt, to say sorry and to stop hurting others and themselves, victims have the opportunity to speak their truth, to release resentment and step into their power… and we all have the opportunity to forgive, to grow, and to be free.

We all grew up bombarded by destructive sexual messages and examples. Media has become increasingly pumped up on porn-style objectification - “Sex Sells” has been societies mantra for centuries. We’ve been injected with fear based sex hormones and it had to come to a tipping point… eventually it was going to explode… it was inevitable. 

Love Sells
(Photo by Serina Bernstein)
Hallmark Channel ratings have sky rocketed since Trump came into power showing that people are craving the sense of the purity, safety, and unconditional love that these films provide.  Instead of marketing taking cheap shots at our insecurity - at our desperation to be desired, how about they focus on targeting our most powerful desire: our need for true human connection... for love. Love is a broad term, the Greek language has 4 different definitions alone, but all mythological, linguistic and philosophical terms are merely academic, they're theory, they're words - they're in our head.  But real love, true love... can only be felt with our heart.  And from that understanding of love, we can start a new mantra... "Love Sells".

Ad agencies are aware of the power of heart centred content and target it to an extent, but sex still dominates our advertising.  Imagine if instead of constantly being exposed to sexual objectification, we were bombarded by love.  When we're truly coming from love, we don't hurt people.

Admitting our mistakes is the most important part. If someone says we hurt them, we must listen. Don’t lie or deny their reality.  Say sorry, and mean it.  When we say sorry, it not only relieves the person we’re apologising to, it makes us feel better!  And if someone says sorry, accept it. Forgiveness is freedom.

But some people aren’t there yet (and some never will be), and we have to accept that, it’s a process.  We know we can’t change other people, so instead of focussing on others, we can think:  “What can I look at changing within myself to the help this situation?” 

I know that I was affected by misogynistic views growing up and I ignorantly said things I didn’t even mean.  Some of my early films were kind of sexist (against women, not men!) and my protagonists were male.  I unconsciously said things like "women aren't funny" and yet most of my favourite comedians were women! It wasn’t until I was exposed to feminism at University that I became aware of this and I was able to change it.

In my 20’s I often celebrated sexual experiences like promotions at work. I’d say things to friends like: “Did you get some last night?”.  We didn’t take it seriously, we were joking around, we knew that deep down we wanted a meaningful relationship, we were just “playing the field” until we found one.  It felt like harmless camaraderie, playful banter, but I wonder if my "locker room talk" contributed to this issue in some way?

Just the expression “get some” is totally flawed and sends the wrong message.  Sexual energy is something we all have flowing within us constantly, not something we need to “get” from someone else.  Sex is about “sharing” that energy with each other.

Instead of saying “Did you get some this weekend”? We could say “Did you share some this weekend?” I’m only half joking. I know it sounds silly, but that’s only because we’re not used to it. If that’s what we’d heard growing up, it would feel just as natural. 

I honestly feel a sense of sentimentality about those statements, a sadness at the thought of losing that banter, as my friends and I bonded over it. I associate it with friendship, support, laughter and love.  But now we can find more mature language and humor to connect us going forward.  

Do we have to be careful of every single thing we say now? No. If our intentions are good, that’s the most important part. Do we need to have awareness, apologize and correct ourselves if we make mistakes?  Yes.  This is a time for more evolved conversation about how we relate to each other.

I think maybe the reason many men grasp at women to access “feminine energy” is because society has taught them to repress their own. At a young age they’re taught not to cry, to toughen up, and that they need to basically hunt women to “get” sex. To “take” their virginity.

Women are similarly encouraged to repress their masculine side. They’re taught to be polite, to put their needs aside for others, to repress anger, be delicate and feminine and wait for a man to sweep them off their feet.  This generates a desire in women for masculine energy from men, to access what they’re suppressing.*

When we can balance our masculine and feminine energy it allows us to be happy and fulfilled within ourselves without grasping at each other for what “appears” to be missing.

In order to feel a sense of oneness with others we must first feel it within ourselves.

We have to stop trying to get things off others to make us feel good. No one else can make us happy, only we can do that.  

We can’t control other people’s behaviour, but we do have the power to choose how we respond to it and how we behave. That part is up to us...



* I’m generalising.  These are not exclusively “men” and “women”, sometimes a woman has repressed her femininity and a man has lost touch with his masculine.

* DISCLAIMER: It has been brought to my attention that this post may come across as if I'm discouraging reporting sexual misconduct, and I just want to clarify that I'm not. When I wrote: "Yes, speaking our truth and people being accountable is a big part of it" - I am encouraging speaking out and making people accountable.






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